dear friend… (who I have lost)

Dear Friend,

I met you in kindergarten. We spent our childhood together - up until junior year of high school - as friends, as best friends. I grew up with you, you saw me through my life. Losing touch with you is one of my only regrets. I wonder about the person you are today, whether I’d still recognize you. I wonder if you’d recognize me.

I remember building fairy houses together, talking about our dream homes next to each other, sleep overs and dreams and pride and prejudice. I remember birthdays and teenage drama and becoming ourselves. I kept so many of my thoughts away, but I wish I hadn’t. I know you would have been there for me.

I wonder if I hurt you. If I did, I’m sorry.

I don’t know you anymore. I feel that if we were to talk, we’d be talking as new people. Our shared history doesn’t necessarily translate directly into the people we are today. There is no doubt, though, that you’ve changed me, helped me, grow into me. I don’t think I’d be alive, actually, if it wasn’t for you. I hope you know that you’re wonderful, and you will always be important to me. I aspire to be as brave as you were, as passionate and loyal. 20 will always, always remind me of you.

Dear Friend,

I think you still know who I am. I’m not sure. I had the biggest crush on you in third grade. You moved schools in fourth, but I still remembered you. I remember seeing you at a few of my sister's soccer games, when I was still in elementary and middle school. We follow each other on Instagram for some reason.

I feel guilty because I think I was pretty mean to you in elementary school. It was definitely because I had a crush on you, and didn’t know how to express my feelings. Sorry though, for chasing you around the lower field. I was always scared of the yard duty catching me, but I probably should have been more concerned about how you were.

I wonder about the person you’ve become too, whether we’d recognize each other on the street. I wonder even how your voice sounds, or what your defining personality characteristics are - things you’d know if you knew someone. I don’t know you anymore.

Dear Friend,

I met you in Costa Rica, on the most amazing trip of my life. I think I fell in love with you a little - you were beautiful, funny, smart, kind, and genuine. You taught me a lot about who I wanted to become, characteristics I still look back on today. I stay somewhat connected with you through Instagram, as connected as you can be through social media. I’ve always wondered about whether you felt the same way on that trip, what you think of me now.

Do you remember doing the sharing circles, where we said three vulnerable things about ourselves? What you shared helped me figure a lot of things out about myself. I’ve changed a lot since that year, learned a lot and become a better person. I know you have too.

I don’t remember much from my early high school and middle school years, mental illness took a lot of that away. I remember your voice, though. You’re the only voice I can really recall. I wish I could go back and talk to you again, I think I’d learn so much. I admire the way you are, and I hope you know that you are truly beautiful. I hope you know how much you’ve changed me, in the short 2 weeks I was with you.

Dear Friend,

Our story has recently come to a close, for now, but we’ve been through a lot. You’re the reason I have the job that I do, the life that I do, now. I’m so glad I’ve known you, but it’s time for some time apart.

Dear Friend,

I can’t write much about you. You hurt me deeply, and I’ve come to accept that it wasn’t my fault. I wonder where you are. I wonder why you did what you did.

I don’t know whether it’s a testament to love or stupidity, but I hope you’re okay.